That's so vanilla

Woke up this morning feeling like hell. It’s a pain because I wanted to play Super Scrabble, which I bought yesterday with my friend. No matter, though. I get to continue watching Supernatural and, once episodes are exhausted, Game of Thrones is the go. 

I’m sick with a cold. Fancy that? I don’t mind it, though. It means I’m able to guiltlessly continue my Supernatural marathon. In other news, it’s been two days since I last texted you. You haven’t replied, and I guess that’s because the conversation was over. I probably revealed too much by telling you I would never try to replace you and was content with a life of sublimating my desires into academic pursuits. But I didn’t beg, or sob, or express emotion. I merely stated the case and we had a nice chat about miscellaneous things. I hope that you heard what I said, and text me sometime in the future. I have from now until eternity. I don’t expect anything but I do like happy surprises. The uncertainty is thrilling. And, when you expect nothing, everything is a pleasant surprise. 

My concept of heaven…

is you, beard flecked with ginger, in my arms. The thought makes me sad, because you care nothing for me and I am already forgotten.

Tonight I’ve been caught up in lust and whimsy. It’s horrible because I know my fantasies will never be satisfied and that they thus serve no purpose but to elicit chaotic emotion. I attribute this momentary lapse in robotic bliss to idleness; study is surely the cure.

I often think life would be easier if I were a Sim. My master could delete all the impossible “wants” from the stream and, simple as that, I’d be no longer burdened by unmet dreams.  But then again, perhaps I already am a Sim. It could be that the person who governs my existence derives sadistic joy out of my repeated breakdowns. I’m not going to dismiss that possibility just yet.

Life update.

Study

I’ve taken on 50 units of subjects at university this semester, and by gosh, I think I am going to pass all of them. I’ve completed all the assignments for the semester and soon it will be exam-time. I’m pleased with myself for committing to university and, for the first time, I can see myself actually making a career out of this degree.

Psychosocial wellbeing

In other news, I’ve achieved robotic stoicism and contentedness by distancing myself from others and this has vastly improved my mood. I’m no longer depressed, but I wouldn’t explicitly say I’m happy. I came to realise a few months ago that emotions and sentiments only cause suffering, so I’ve excised them from my way of life. I shop, I study, I go about my life but I no longer seek out any sort of connection with another person. I accept that I will never find a lover or soulmate, petty things like that, and by acknowledging this I am better able to function.